“Master crucial conversations with other people and you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen relationships, improve your health and vitalise your organisation,” says Ron McMillan, co-author of the New York Times bestseller, “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High”.
Speaking at a seminar hosted by the University of Pretoria’s Gordon Institute of Business Science, McMillan says approximately ten percent of our day-to-day communication covers crucial issues. These are the conversations where high stakes are involved, and there are strong emotions and differing opinions.
By definition, crucial conversations are about tough issues. Examples include giving an unfavourable performance review, critiquing a colleague’s work and talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments.
What makes each of these conversations crucial - and not simply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying - is that the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life.
Research conducted with more than 20 000 employees shows that people facing crucial conversations do one of three things: they either avoid them by becoming silent; handle them poorly by becoming angry and defensive, or handle them well.
Unfortunately, the effects of conversations gone bad can be devastating and far reaching. “Unexpressed feelings never die,” says McMillan. “People who don’t talk it out usually ‘act it out’, often by complaining to the rest of the team and creating an ‘us versus them’ mentality.”
He says When people lose their tempers and go ‘violent’, the other party usually attempts to even the score. Common payback techniques are sabotage, tardiness, absenteeism, low productivity and ignoring employees’ good ideas.
Inappropriate responses to crucial conversations can pervade an entire organisational culture. “Why is it that 98 000 hospital deaths each year stem from human error?” asks Joseph Grenny, co-author of “Crucial Conversations”. “In part, because many health care professionals are afraid to speak their minds,” he asserts.
What characterises a well-conducted crucial conversation? The truth is that everyone argues about important issues. It’s how we argue that matters.
Master communicators are clear about their goals when they enter a conversation. They know what they want to achieve for themselves, for the other party and for the relationship, and they share this information.
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They encourage dialogue and a free flow of communication on both sides, thereby facilitating the likelihood of both parties agreeing on a mutually acceptable solution. They make it safe to talk about issues by identifying a mutual purpose, or areas of mutual |
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concern, upfront. They show respect to the other party and reduce defensiveness by listening carefully to ideas and opinions. Their tone is reasonable, rational and professional. They present facts, without accusing or blaming the other party, and they acknowledge the role they may have played in the problem under discussion.
Master communicators are not just satisfied with a good talk. They end the dialogue with clear expectations, ensuring that everyone is crystal clear about how the issue will be resolved. They spell out what will be done by whom, and by when.
McMillan emphasises the direct correlation between dialogue and success. “When people are able to discuss all the relevant issues honestly and accurately – including facts, opinions, theories and feelings – they make better choices,” he says. “They identify problems early. They make better decisions. They take better action and they strengthen relationships. In short, they get better results.”
Senior GIBS lecturer Dr. Margie Sutherland notes that GIBS is developing expertise in using the art of meaningful conversations or dialogues as a cornerstone for a number of its programmes. “In South Africa, progress can only really be made by firstly spending time listening and then responding to what our fellow countrymen are saying. This is based on the understanding, that it is what we are not saying to one another that is a real impediment to progress, both in the workplace and in our social lives,” she says.
“Within high-performing companies, when employees fail to deliver on their promises, colleagues willingly and effectively step in to discuss the problem. Bosses deal with problems and everyone holds everyone else accountable - regardless of level or position,” says McMillan.
Research conducted in two dozen industries has correlated crucial conversations practices with increased productivity, improved quality, reduced defects, increased leadership effectiveness, accelerated change implementation, greater team cooperation, improved diversity practices and reduced safety incidents.
The ability to master crucial conversations can also help individuals to kick-start their careers. High performers know, for instance, how to stand up to the boss without committing career suicide. They are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard, without their bosses or peers becoming defensive or angry.
Good communication skills also make for good health insurance. In one groundbreaking research study, it was found that couples who routinely handled their crucial conversations badly had far weaker immune systems than those who found a way to resolve them well. “By learning how to handle crucial conversations well, with one set of skills we can influence virtually every domain of our lives,” says McMillan.
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Ron McMillan is the co-author of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. His newest release, Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior (McGraw-Hill 2004), quickly found its place on the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and 800CEOREAD bestseller lists. |
Ron McMillan
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